Monday, May 21, 2018

Day 1 of my return to work - it is exhausting!

Thursday, May 17, 2018

Caring and sharing

I moved nearly all my stuff out yesterday. It was about time.

That night, though my footprint there was rapidly disappearing, I returned to the matrimonial home to sleep. One reason was comfort. My room at my mum's was a mess from the move. I also wanted to see my son. I will be going back to work next week and my time with him will be much restricted. I never had any issues tolerating the ex.

This morning I tried to explain to my son that I won't be around as much going forward.

"I want papa to stay," said my son.

"I want you too," I said.

"Why are you crying?" said my son.

"Papa is not crying," I said.

I had a lot of fun with my son. My son wanted me to go with him to daycare, even though my ex was already bringing him. My son even held the ex's and my hand on the way there at the same time. It was cute. Probably the last time he will ever get to do so. The illusion of a family. My poor boy.

Once my son was gone to school the ex turned cold. Well, that is an inapt way to put it. She was always cold to me but around the son I could enjoy the peripheral heat of her love for our son. Foolishly I said to her why she had to be so. (We are already divorced after all.)

"When are you moving out," she said. She wanted me gone, of course, but the home was still ours and it was to be sold, and I had no reason to leave as yet.

"When the house is sold," I said. "I mean, once I start work I will sleep at my mum's. But I will stay over on Saturday."

She was quite upset. She was unhappy that my son stayed with me and my side of the family on Sunday to Tuesday without her presence, but I was still around on other days during her turn. She said the son would think that she had abandoned him.

"Is it my fault that he wanted to play with me?" I said.

"No, but it is your fault that you were there," she said.

I tried to explain to her that I had not wanted to start the split arrangement immediately, but it was her who forced it to go forward immediately, which would deprive the son of her presence for half the week.

"But it was because I thought you were moving out that week," she said.

A part of me feels that, in a way, she did abandon him - she wanted my family to deal with my son three days a week without her input and her original reason for that was that she would be tired that week. Of course, she has conveniently forgotten this fact. In her own mind I suppose I am ever the villain. I never wanted less of my son. Anyway, I would be mostly gone from the matrimonial home starting next week, except for maybe Saturday night if at all; and once the home is sold I will disappear.

The last few nights my son stayed over with me and my mum's, he actually didn't want to go home. My mum, who loves the boy, was also very reluctant to let the boy go home. But I insisted that we should check with the ex because I believe that my son should not be deprived of any parent unless necessary. However, my son did not want to go home. I even asked him - don't you want to see your mother? There was one night I video called the ex to show my son - he still didn't want to go home.

Yet if she had insisted I bring the boy home I would have. Instead, she was OK with my son staying with me and my mother for those days. If she was really desperate for my son to go back to her, she could have said so nicely.

I wanted to tell her - look, if you want things from me, you should know by now that you can be nice and get things done that way. You don't have to blame me or insult me or treat me like Satan. You are the mother of my child and I spent 10 years married to you. Despite all our cruelties to each other, be they big or small, I am not he devil. I can be persuaded; I believe in doing the right thing. Even if I do not always succeed.

In my more lonely moments I feel that it was all my solitary fault that the marriage failed. But days like this remind me of how my ex seems to find it impossible to communicate with me other than through passive aggressive silence, anger, or terse (though diplomatic) SMSes. And both of us are responsible for the failure of the marriage, in our own way.

Monday, May 14, 2018

Beginnings and goodbye

Packing to leave my home. I lived here for more than 10 years and grief assails me. This place, its dusty corners, the smallness of it, I will miss all of it. My son spent the first three years of his life here. Now he will have to ferry from one flat to another, separated sometimes from his father, sometimes from his mother. She doesn't love me, stopped a long time ago. Signified it the moment she took off that ring, what, three years ago now. Do I still love her? I wonder, but my face is dusty, and I wipe my tears and thoughts away, and go back to the business of departure.