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too much and too little |
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Where do we go from here
Hell is a dark and horrible place filled with people who dared to be interesting but happened to fall into nasty, sinful theology, like rock'n'roll or Buddhism. God hates that shit. For these crimes, these dudes will have to suffer an eternity getting their skins lashed off, having maggots consume their bodies, or having to watch Date Movie (dubbed over by The Greatest Hits of 1990s Boybands) on endless repeat. Or something like that. I'm not sure, since I haven't really been reading my Talmud. But I don't think getting seared in an ocean of magma (as it is typically portrayed) is any more desirable, which is of course the point. On the other hand, if the latter was the truth, it would lend the words "flaming queer" new meaning. Hee hee. Anyway I am on this topic because I am thinking of suicide. Oh, hold your excitement. I'm not thinking of killing myself. No, it is because I was reading A Long Way Down by Nick Hornby (a story about four people who do not jump off a roof) at the same time I was reading History Of Western Philosophy by Bertrand Russell, and I think some wires in my head are caught in some strange tangle involving Socrates and TV presenters, which naturally leads to questions about the afterlife. Socrates, who also happens to be the name of a legendary Brazillian footballer, died drinking hemlock. The people of Athens killed him, ostensibly on charges of worshipping different gods, but I suspect it's because he kept asking annoying questions. Those were barbaric times, you see. Nowadays we would just chide him in national newspapers for being "disrespectful" or maybe toss in a defamation suit or two. Anyway, Socrates left this world, if Plato is to be believed, resolute in his belief that what awaited him was pleasant -- you know, a bit like walking out of the cave and into the sunlit plain. Not that any of us believe that nonsense nowadays. I mean, Socrates was probably homo and he certainly wasn't Christian/Jewish/Muslim, so he's probably fucked if the vast majority of Earthlings are right about the netherworld. It's either hellfire; listening to winged weirdos singing praises to their creator; a circle of endless rebirths most of which involve living life as a chicken or bird flu virus or literature professor; or oblivion. Personally, I'm sceptical about the first three, and unenthusiastic about the last. The question of Where Do We Go From Here? has only depressing answers. Not only that, they seem to be of the overly melodramatic sort, like a daytime soap opera, which really isn't becoming for a species that thinks itself sensible. The only reasonable way to resolve this, I think, is to remain forever ignorant of the answer. This is tough, because we must all die. Thus human civilisation should be geared towards one task: Not Finding Out.
Mailed
The word "power" is associated with many things. Like boxing, cars, and football, to name but some. But the mail isn't one of them. Which is why I was slightly confused when I saw a bus bearing an advert for Singpost that had the words "TWICE THE POWER" on it. Post office representative: "Now, sir, don't you want your mail to have TWICE THE POWER?" Confused customer: "I'm not sure I do, actually." What does it mean anyway? Does it mean upon opening, your mail will deliver powerful electric shocks to your brain? Or does it mean, as part of the service, will the postman punch you in the face? I guess we'll find out in due time. I, for one, am not looking forward to it.
Blood On The Toilet Floor
Let me tell you how I split my lip and bloodied my chin: It was 4am in the morning, maybe 5, on a Saturday. I woke to urinate, as I often do in the wee hours before dawn. I had just finished pissing and I recall I was about to flush, when the next thing I knew, I couldn't move and I was tasting something salty in my mouth. I wanted to puke. I struggled around a bit, and then I realised I was no longer upright but lying down, and the cold hard surface my right hand was pushing again was in fact porcelain -- the toilet bowl. How I got into this position I had no idea: it would require a forensic investigation after I escape and turn on the light. I struggled upright and staggered to the switch. It became clear - there was blood on the edge of the toilet bowl and the floor to the left. I looked in the mirror and saw my lips and neck bloodied. I wash quickly, completely confused. I didn't bother to clean up. I was tired. I went to my bed. I sat down and was almost immediately overcome by the urge to vomit, very strongly. Not too bad: my reaction to swallowing my own blood means that I am not a vampire. Also, the blood assured me I wasn't gargling my own pee. Eventually I fell asleep. My nap ended quickly. An hour or so after falling in the toilet my mother ran into my room screaming: "What happened? There's blood everywhere!" "I think I blacked out! I'm not sure, because the only thing I remember is that I am peeing!!!" I screamed. (I tend to scream when a lunatic-looking woman yells suddenly.) "I heard a BUMP just now but I thought you were just playing around! Oh my god! Drink more water! You must have low blood pressure! You're so young! I told you not to keep sitting around!" she screamed. "Please let me go to sleep!" I screamed. "There's so much blood on your neck!" she screamed. "It's just a small wound!" I screamed. I was supposed to meet the remaining members of the Tuesday group in the morning. Because of my exertions I was going to be late, so I messaged my girlfriend: "Will be late. Fell in toilet. Blood everywhere!" Her reply: "Will also be late. Just woke up." Apparently boyfriends spilling blood all over toilets is a common affair. But the real fun was when I got to tell people what happened. --- I saw the doctor today. Apparently this is quite common - the doc's cousin broke his collarbone fainting in the toilet. When you wake up in the early hours, your body is sluggish, especially your heart. But when you stand up, your heart has to pump harder in order to supply blood to the brain. Sometimes, it doesn't do this so well. Unfortunately, when you pee, there is a reflex that causes the brain to tell the heart to pump slower. Sometimes, this results in a massive lowering of blood pressure. Deprived of oxygen-carrying oxygen, your brain shuts down momentarily, and you collapse. If you're lucky, like me, you break your lip. If you're unlucky, you drown in your own piss.
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